So my first foray into blogging and I am doing it because I am feeling sorry for myself and I have no one to complain to, so tag you are it.

Back story - I met a wonderful man on matchmaker.com (I have no ill will towards him so I will not reveal his real name) in 2001. We ended up having an 8 year relationship. We lived together for the last 6 of those years he and his kids me and mine.  From my point of view we were perfect together, we had fun we traveled. We had the same views one of which was no marriage for us, he had one bad, I had 2. We did not fight, disagreements yes, but never angry and no yelling ever.

The day after Christmas 2009 he come up to me and said "I cannot do this anymore" I say "do want". He says this as he is pointing to me and him. I am confused. I did know that he was going through a mid-life crises or something for the past year, he got his ear pierced, a tattoo, bought a motor cycle and a truck.. But I thought all along he would work it out I gave him his space and we would be okay. Boy was I wrong.

So the day after Christmas we broke up, I might mention that the night before he took me out parting I got drunk so I was hung over when he did this to me. He did not move out until July 2010.. while I was at a party he left me a letter, Oh and up until that day we were still sleeping together.

I could not stay in the house as I could not afford it alone, so I started the process of house hunting and he helped me, he went with me looking at places being a sounding board. As I had never bought a home before and he had. Once I bought my place we started seeing each other again, in that we would go out on the weekend and bar hop end up at his place, we did this right up until Jan 2011.

In Feb 2011 I found out via Facebook that he was seeing someone, he told me she was just fun to hang out with, fast forward to Aug he is going on a trip down south with her. Seems more than just fun to hang out with. During this time we are still hooking up now and again, bootie calls if you will. And we talk on the phone every day.

Then in June 2012 he tells me he cannot "see" me any more nor call on a daily basis, he said the reason is the guilt in what he has done to me is too overwhelming and every time we hook up he feel so bad when I leave. He assures me it has nothing to do with the new girl, as a matter of fact he says to me they are not doing so well and he will probably not be with her too much longer.

Fast forward again to this weekend, once again via Facebook I find he and the girl are down south again and announcing they are engaged to be married!! This from the man who said he would NEVER marry again.

So here is where the feeling sorry for myself comes in, my thought process When he said he will never marry, he just meant to me, He has lied to me so many times, he was just at my house a few days ago (delivering some of my boxes that were in his attic) and he did not give me a heads up, he thought so little of me that he allowed me to find out on line!

He broke my heart when he broke up with me, he broke it again when he moved out, he broke it a bit more when he said he could not maintain our "on the side" relationship, and he completely shattered what was left when he decided to marry again, to someone he has only been with a little over a year.

So was our whole 8 years together a lie, did he ever mean anything he said to me? He told me he had never felt for someone the way he did for me, so deeply as if we were made for each other. That when we spooned at night he loved it because it felt good and it never did with anyone else. Even when he broke up he told me he would love me until the day he dies, his dying breath would be my name. All words...

I am a complete idiot, I fell for all his words, I really believed his lies.. and now I am destroyed because of it I cannot trust again. I cannot even leave my own house half the time. I get up go to work come home sit on my couch go to bed and do it all again. On the weekends I very rarely go anywhere.

Okay, I got that out now I sit and stare at this and wonder if I will post, what if someone sees it and knows who this is about, it is not my intention to cause any harm for as much as he has done to me I still love him so much.

I think deep down inside I always thought he would get this all out of his system and come back to me, would I take him back? I really do not know..... maybe.........